Tuesday, 2 December 2008

Something really real. To me!

OK, so where should I start? You know, where I am at the moment and so. In life.

I will tell you about my dog Rasmus, A Cavalier king Charles Spaniel. The biggest Love I've ever had, never really realised. But I guess you never know or appreciate what you have until it's gone. But I have always appreciated him, I just find it Very hard to accept the fact he is not around anymore, but i will not say I will never see him again cause I believe I might...

He passed away late summer this year (2008). While I was living here.

He has pretty much always had some kind of problems and sickness, with his heart, paws...

It was about 1 1/5 year ago that we (or my parents that did all the work) took him a lot to the veterinary and he had some kind of operation when my dad sad that we should be prepared that he might not be around for much more... and when I took him for a walk, I started to really think about what our life's would look like and how we would continue living when Ramus would have moved on... I started to cry!

I mean everything you do has something to do with him. Weather you are playing with him, feeding him, going out for a walk, which was a phrase that became a lifestyle "Can you go out with Rasmus?", "They are out with Rasmus", "I'm gonna go for a walk with Rasmus". He was crazy for his walks. Of course, like pretty much every dog, he understood the phrase "Wanna go out"? And he would get on your nerves with his barking. Which of course now, you miss hearing..

I was doing promotion work in Edinburgh with my brother at the time, when I got "The Call" from my mum, saying she had some bad news about Rasmus! My whole body system just went down... "He is alive", she said, "but we have to put him down". Now I was in the city with a lot of people and my friends, and I just sank down on the streets...

That weekend i couldn't care less about anything else. Not the job, the people, my Manager. Plus I still had to drive. I did cry during driving, until I couldn't take it. i had the biggest breakdown and just said "No I can't do this"! This other girl had to take over.

I have always said that i Would come home if that were the case with Rasmus.

When me and my brother got back to London we tried to book a flight home. I was so desperate and panicking that I didn't care about the money nor the time, i just wanted to get home fast. I was so scared I wouldn't make it. It was such a long journey. When we are waiting for the boat to take us to the summer house we have, my mun is calling and saying that Rasmus died that night.

(I am staring to cry, cause it brings back all the feelings I had at that time and moment, which is The worst I have ever been through)

I cried on the boat but was trying to hold it so bad. When we meet our parents it all just break loose. I didn't know what to do, I was going crazy. I slept through the first day, I didn't eat for days (maybe some fruit once in a while), I remember I didn't talk much, if not at all.

One thing I liked with this whole thing, is that for the entire week we were there it was the best weather, and my mum said it hasn't been like this the whole summer. So think of it like this: its raining and cold and windy, Rasmus is very sick and the dog that we know is gone. The day after he dies, it is great weather. I like to see it that Ramsus is fine and really in a better place now. That's how I am trying to still keep it together.

That was now about 3-4 months ago, and until now I have been fine actually. Until recently, when I started to think of him again. Sometimes and can't keep it together and just breaks down. Sometimes its even heard to hold it in if I am out or even at work. Those are the times (if not the first) when I really misses my family actually. My mum that has been very special to him. She was his favorite, and the other way around, so i really felt bad for her about Rasmus, but surprisingly enough she coped with it better then me.

I think that, I Now realise that Rasmus is dead! But at the same time I can not picture a life without him.

It has now been easier for me since I've been living here in London. Don't know where i would have been in mind if I was still at home when it happened. I'm not sure if I will dare to go home again to an empty house....

This was a long version and a long text from a even longer reality, but I actually hope you have energy to read it.
Rasmus was 9 1/5 years old!


Nina said...

OOOH Rebecca.. I'm sorry for your loss, again. And I know it doesn't matter what I say or do, it wont get him back. Just remember I'm aleways here for you if you nee d a shoulder to cry on, or a nice proper meal as well, for that matter! PUSSOKRAM MIN Ă„LSKLING!

Johanna Bengtsson said...